ANTIVAMPOLOGY: A Guide To Hating Twilight
by beautyfrompain
Summary: Co-hosts Pain and Kaitlynne are back in another hatefic/talkshow! God help us all ... Now includes more randomness, unneccessary violence, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, tasering, The Oprah Winfrey show, the Electric Chair, and a ninja!
1. Part One: A Guide To Hating Twilight

**A/N: The time has finally come for _ANTI-VAMPOLOGY: A Guide to Hating Twilight._ I think I've kept you waiting long enough, so I won't bother you with a long author's note. Enjoy!**

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**theme music**

_**Live from A.T. Studios...**_

The audience whooped and applauded as Kaitlynne and Pain, entered from the back stage onto the stage area. The co-hostesses stood and waited as the cheers died down.

"Good evening, Fan Fiction!"Pain greeted when the noise had finally abated to a minimum. "Welcome to Anti-Vampology!"

After the crowd let out another roar of enthusiasm, Kaitlynne took her turn to speak.

"For anyone who doesn't know, this is basically a sequel to our first hate-fic/talk show/parody/interview-series-including-torture The Mysteries of Twilight, in which we kidnapped Twilight characters using our Supah Ah-sum Telepathic-Teleport Skills. We then asked them weird questions, forced them into nervous breakdowns, made them listen to bad kid pop music, brought out their worst fears, tortured them, tasered them, and in one case threw Bella into a raging fire."

Pain chuckled. "Good times, good times. Despite the fact that I would most gladly erase the effect of those bat-shit insane alien's horrible work of with the Muffin Song—"

"Mmmn, muffins," Kaitlynne murmured, in a heavenly muffin trance.

"—I'm putting it off for the sake of torture, good fun, and Teh Lulz. You don't fuck with Teh Lulz."

Kaitlynne rolled her eyes. "Right. Unless you're a noob (or blind), you've probably realized that we've moved our location to A.T. Studios."

Pain laughed. "Damn straight, we have our own _studios!_"

"And despite the fact that the Author is lazy as shiz, she's finally forgone the script layout."

"Thank effing _God_," muttered Audience Member #9373243910. A trapdoor appeared underneath him, and he fell screaming into the dark nothingness.** (****a)**

"Okay then!" Pain clapped her hands twice and turned back to Kaitlynne. "Now that he's gone, we summarize the horror of all four books. Best to refresh our reader's memory, no?" **(b)**

"Of course," Kaitlynne replied, "It is the best way to off. But I vote a muffin break first. I loves me a muffin …"

Pain shrugged. "You're right. Muffins in the lounge!"

[a huge stampede, a dust cloud, and several muffin-hazed minutes later]

Kaitlynne finished her Mango Gloop muffin and wiped stray crumbs away. "Them's were good muffins."

"Yeah, they were …" Pain groaned and swept back her jet-black hair into a ponytail.

Kaitlynne sat up. "Where were we? Ah, yes, Book Teh Uno: Twilight."

Pain continued for her. "In the beginning, there's just Bella and her dad and talk and boring narrative and blah. She talks about her flighty mom and her awkward dad and how she moved because, of _course, _she's totally selfless and didn't want to bother her mom with her petty teen issues. So instead, she bothers us. She goes to school (where she is thoroughly worshipped by every guy there), sees Edward Cullen, the vampire who is practically the dream guy of every single straight woman combined, only with sparkles and protection issues. After some misunderstanding, aimless chats, and a little time together, Bella hears a legend from some pubescent kid she 'seduced', and looks up vampires on the internet. Because the internet is just bursting with reliable information that you can randomly compare to your boyfriend, she decided he was a vampire. He eventually admitted it, and that he thirsted for her blood. She chose to still be buddies with him, which, in my opinion, is a very, very stupid choice."

"It's _is _a dumb choice," Kaitlynne announced, cutting in. "I mean, think about it. Being friends with a dangerous vampire who craves your blood and is just barely resisting tearing you apart is the way down Dead Lane. Bella might as well cut herself all over, and then jump into a body of water invested with a population of a hundred sharks that have been starved for days, letting the sharks first catch whiffs of your bloody wounds before having them tear her to bits. In fact, she might as well _make out_ with a hungry shark."

Pain sighed."Thank you for your passionate input, Kaitlynne. Anyway, after some more time together, sexual tension, and talks about passion and danger, then there's a whole gap of the book that's not really all that interesting as it is meandering and pointless, and therefore not worth mentioning in the least. And that bit in the woods where Edward sparkles in the most pathetic manner." Here Pain stopped her narrative to snicker. "I mean, he actually _sparkled_! What was Meyer thinking?"

"Maybe she was high?" Kaitlynne offered.

"That _is _a possibility. I'll admit it's a tiny bit better than disintegrating whenever faced with sunlight, but there are better ways to handle that than sparkling. After another gap in the plot, a vampire sees Bella when she's out in a game of thunder ball, and thirsts to kill her. Jasper and Alice take her to Phoenix, but lured Bella by telling her a lie that he has he mother, and playing a tape of her voice over and over again into the phone."

"Now, think about this," Kaitlynne said. "Instead of actually believing a vampire who hunts humans for fun and would tell you anything, you could call your mother's cell phone and see if she answers. If she didn't, you still could have brought help. How's James going to know if you do or not? And is Alice can see the future when someone has made a decision, shouldn't she have seen his plan straightaway? And Stephanie Meyer never put a restriction on how far Alice could see, so how does she sort her visions? She could constantly be getting visions every time someone from the other side of the world decides to get off their lazy ass and brush their teeth. She could be constantly haunted by plans by murderers, what they want to do to their victims. Wouldn't that be scarring? Would she be driven crazy by the bazillions of things going through her head at every moment? Meyer never says."

"You have a good point, Kaitlynne. We all know Eddie's off his rocker, with everyone's thoughts running through his head all day long. Wouldn't it be much, much worse for Alice, who Meyer never thought to relieve some of the burden from? Isn't Edward's restriction anything in five miles? Can he hear the thoughts of animals, too? That would be depressing, hearing the terrified thoughts of some poor squirrel as he sucked the life out of it."

"Uh, Pain, I think we're getting too off track here," Kaitlynne said. "Bella comes to the dance studio, and eventually finds out that it was all bluff, or a "ruse" as Bella called it. James kicks Bella around for a bit, breaks a few bones, and is in the middle of eating Bella for a light snack when the Cullen gang swing in and kill him."

"Yippee," Kaitlynne said dully.

"So Bella is taken to the hospital, and everything is supposedly fine after that. She's taken back to Charlie, Renee never knew a thing of what really happened, and Edward takes Bella to prom. So ends one of the worst teen romance novels of all time."

Kaitlynne picked up where Pain had left off. "In the beginning of the next book, New Moon, it's Bella's birthday and all she's worried about is Edward turning her into a vampire so they can live forever. She's so obsessed with becoming immortal that she has a nightmare about turning into Grandma while Edward's appearance stays the same. She's also being a stick in the mud because of this, and refuses to even let others acknowledge that she's turning eighteen. It's either that or she hates presents, and no one in their right mind hates presents. She throws a hissy fit every time someone says the B-word, and Bella is eventually taken to a party in her honor, at the Cullens' mansion. Being the clumsy git she is, she cuts herself while opening a present. Because Jasper is actually half shark **(c) **and goes crazy at even the sight of blood, he attacks her. Edward decides that she's exposed to too much danger and dumps her, blocking out her pathetic pleas. Bella shuts down and goes into "zombie mode", because she has an unnatural incapability to live without her boyfriend. She hides herself away from all of her family and friends, not bothering to communicate with anyone, and eventually pushing all her friends away. After a lot of blank pages **(d) **and a long period of Bella's misery, her mood is brightened when she's driven to the point of insanity when she actually thinks she can hear Edward's voice when she deliberately does something stupid. To trigger this more, and satisfy her pathetic need to hear Edward again, she tries to do more dumb stunts. Later, she sees some broken motorcycles up for grabs, and takes them to Jacob in hopes of getting them fixed and dangerous. They work on them together, bond, laugh. Bella gets attached to him and takes him to Edward's meadow. One day she goes by herself and finds Laurent waiting for her. As usual, Bella is completely helpless until a bunch of werewolves come and chase him away. After that Bella hangs out with Jacob some more, and along the way Bella finds out that werewolves exist, too. Then Bella goes cliff-diving on her own_, during a raging storm._"

Pain cut in, "Because of her stupidity, she almost drowns. She can't swim against the storm or concentrate, and the water pushes her deeper. Dream Eddie screams, "KEEP SWIMMING," but how the hell is that supposed to help her when the current is pushing her the other way? She _can't _swim. Thanks a bunch for the helpful information, Ed. She's just given up, thinking that having a watery grave won't be all that bad and actually anticipating death. She thinks, and I quote "I didn't want to fight anymore ... I was almost happy it was over ... It was oddly peaceful ... Even as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I was content. I had forgotten what real happiness felt like." "

A slapping noise could be heard as Kaitlynne facepalmed. "Meyer is making suicide seem like a reasonable option to millions of angsty tween girls. **(e) **Meyer is promoting suicide, and Barack Obama reads through the Twilight books with his youngest daughter."

"Fortunately for her, Jacob saves her. However, back with the Cullens, Alice has a vision, only seeing Bella jump off a cliff. In a raging storm. She assumes that Bella is trying to commit suicide, which is reasonable enough, although assuming is the worst possible thing to do. So then Alice tells Rosalie who told Edward, who had been moping around all empty inside without Bella. And then Edward freaks out. Edward called Bella's house and heard about a funeral, and immediately assumed it was Bella. He then went on a death mission to the awesomely evil Volturi, set on taunting them murder him. Alice and Bella go to Italy and try to stop him from doing something rash. In the end, they catch Edward just before he can walk into the sunlight and expose vampires in the most pathetic way possible."

Kaitlynne grinned in a false-ecstasy. "With the power of ... _SPARKL__ETON__!_" The two did a fake happy dance, and the show briefly cut to a commercial.

[_Do you often blend into the crowd, as if invisible and unimportant? Do you feel that you lack a certain uniqueness that sets you apart from the crowd? Do you wish you had that special sparkle? Fear no more, and get some … _

_SPARKLETON!_

_With SPARKLETON, you can quickly become noticed for your special shine. Just pop a few pills of SPARKLETON and you'll be shining like a star in no time! Side effects are burning, bruising, itching, blinding and possibly insomnia. Do not take more than three pills every twelve hours or you might turn into a purple monkey with no singing talent whatsoever. We at SPARKLETON can't be held responsible for any accidents caused by SPARKLETON, including side effects and permanent blinding caused by excessive sparkling._

_Call 1-800-212-SPARKLE to get a bottle of SPARKLETON for only $18.99 plus tax!_

_BUT WAIT! Call now and we'll give you TWO bottles of Extra Strength SPARKLETON, RIGHT NOW!_

_Sparkle with all your might!]_

Rainbow confetti rained from the ceiling, and then Pain and Kaitlynne got serious again. (Or at least as serious as two girls with unstable mental health can get, anyway.)

"No, seriously, the sparkling is beyond pathetic," Pain said.

Seeing the truth in that, the show audience muttered among themselves in mutual agreement.

"So then everything pretty much goes back to normal, because it turned out that he only left to protect her, and never wanted to leave, and can't live without her and blah. And I think, why the hell would you leave if there's really no need to? So basically, the whole book of New Moon was pointless."

"It was pointless anyway."

"Very true. In Eclipse, Jacob is offering an ultimatum: Either ditch the Cullens, or don't hang with him at all. Edward thinks he's dangerous, though, and kidnaps her to prevent it. While she is held hostage, Rosalie tells her story, which, though quite dramatic, is still quite boring. Meanwhile, Seattle has been having a string of mysterious murders, which is suspected to be caused by a young new vampire with an uncontrollable thirst for human blood. Alice also has a vision that Victoria has returned to Forks. Edward proposes to Bella, and Bella doesn't really want to marry him, though she wants to live with him forever. She ends up accepting, and they arrange that Edward will turn her into a vamp himself. The Cullens soon realize that the murders are being committed by an army of newborn vampires, led by Victoria. The vampires join forces with the werewolves to fight, and Bella, Edward, and Jacob hide out in the mountains. Seth Clearwater, another werewolf, soon join and wait out the fight with them. In the morning, Jacob hears Bella and Edward talking about their engagement and threatens to join the battle and kill himself. To stop him, Bella kisses him and _finally _realizes that she really likes him. But despite of this, Bella still chooses Edward. During the battle, Victoria tracks Edward by his scent, right to the hiding place, and he's forced to fight her."

"And then dispose of her by ripping her to shreds and burning her to ashes, putting the ashes in a small sack," Pain reminded her.

"Yes, because apparently the limbs would try to reattach themselves if not burned, which is both creepy and strange. Anyway, after this, the good guys win the war, and the Volturi show up, to see the damage done, and also warn the Cullens of the promise they made in New Moon, to turn Bella into a vampire. Jacob gets a wedding invitation and runs away. At the end, Edward tells Charlie about the wedding."

"And that's the end. Next is the fourth and last in the series, thank God. Breaking Dawn is split into three POVs, actually labeled and put into neat little parts by Meyer. This, being the last book, is the funniest."

Kaitlynne chuckled to herself and admitted, "It's only hilarious because it's so bad."

Pain laughed. "It is pretty bad, isn't it? But I'm trying to make this short, so here we go. In the first part, it starts out with Bella's graduation and wedding. For the honeymoon, Bella and Edward go to Isle Esme, where they have sex. But there's a twist! Because Bella was silly enough to think that vampires don't have working sperm, they didn't use protection, and she got pregnant with a mutant freak baby, a strange mix of human and vampire, which was growing abnormally fast in Bella, and had some vampire traits. Though Edward urged her to, Bella refused to get rid of it, though I think it's questionable if it can be rid of in the first place. I mean, if vampires can only die by being ripped to shreds and burned, then how can a vampire freak baby be killed with a simple abortion? And would Edward dare go through that procedure (the ripping and setting on fire, that is) with his own offspring. Since he suggested, apparently so. He is as cold and soulless as he claims! They go back to Forks."

"The second part, in Jacob's point of view, lasts through the Bella's pregnancy stage and childbirth. The werewolves plan to kill Bella and her vampire freak baby offspring, and Jacob disagrees and makes his own pack with Leah and Seth Clearwater. Soon, Bella gives birth. Instead of coming through the normal place, the vampire freak baby decided to chew its way through Bella's flesh, emerging out of the bloody passage it makes from her stomach."

"No, no, you're all wrong." Kaitlynne disagreed. "Remember, Rosalie tried to perform a C-Section **(f)**, but it wasn't working, and the freak baby was breaking Bella's bones and there was too much blood loss, so Edward ripped his way in, and took her out."

"Either way, it's a very violent and gory way to give birth to a child," Pain said.

"But this wasn't just any child," Kaitlynne argued. "This was Bella and Edward's weirdo vampire-human mutant freak baby."

"That fact does give it the teeniest bit more sense."

"I wonder, what if a vampire and a werewolf had a mutant freak baby? Would it be ten times stranger than a vampire-human one? I bet it would be. Better yet, what if Renesmee and Jacob had an even freakier baby?"

"Wait! We're getting ahead of ourselves. Edward had to turn Bella into a vampire to save her. This transformation took about three days, and at the end Bella woke up as the dangerous monster that she had always aspired to be. But back when the freak was born, Jacob saw the freak baby and instantly fell in love with it, and act called "imprinting"."

Pain made a face. "I still call it Meyer's Umpteenth Act of Pedophilias. The baby was named Renesmee Carlie Cullen, to everyone's hidden horror. The first name, a product of Meyer's lack of imagination, is an awkward mix of "Renée", the name of her mother, and "Esme", the name of her vampire mother-in-law. And then the middle name, an even more awkward mix of "Charlie", her father's name, and "Carlisle", her stepfather's name. But then again, the strange name is almost fitting."

Kaitlynne continued. "The third part is about Bella being a vampire. For a while she just goes on about her abilities and enjoys them. Rosalie has taken a protective side with Renesmee, because she had always wanted a child as a human. However, things take a turn when Irina, a Cullen family friend, visits and mistakes Renesmee, the vampire freak baby, for an "immortal child", one who has been turned into a vampire. These immortal children are uncontrollable, and once released havoc. So she runs to the Volturi and tells them, and they make plans to go to Forks and kill this vampire child. Meanwhile, Renesmee continues to grow at an unusual speed, and can speak only seven days after birth. She can soon read, run, hunt, and do other things that show extreme intelligence.

Great," Pain said, sarcastically. "Yet another Mary Sue. Even Bella, with her clumsiness, is a Sue; a self-insert. Any girl who's like her in the least can insert herself into her place and fantasize herself with Edward Cullen."

"I feel your annoyance, Pain. The Cullens get help, and when the Volturi come, they prove that Renesmee isn't an immortal child. Then they leave, creating and anti-climax and the floppiest end in all of the history of literature. The book is even worse than New Moon. At least New Moon had that part with werewolves, which made it a bit better."

"And muffins," Pain interrupted. "New Moon mentioned the werewolves having muffins. Breaking Dawn, as far as I can remember, had no muffins at all."

Because we all know how Pain feels about her muffins …

"Yes, New Moon did mention muffins, and it made me hungry."

"Muffins make everyone hungry, because they're so good."

For a few moments, the two were lost in a heavenly muffin reverie.

Then Pain thought for a moment. "Kaitlynne, during The Mysteries of Twilight, we forced the Twilight characters from Meyer's mind, and then either sent them back or shipped them off to a freak show."

Upon remembrance, Kaitlynne chuckled. "Good times those were ..."

"Well, if you could transport them back and forth from her mind, then would it be possible to transport _ourselves_?"

Pain's co-host contemplated this. "Well, I suppose. But there is possible danger, almost definite side effects for humans, and a possibility of use not making it back alive."

"What kind of side effects?" Pain inquired.

"Itching in unusual places, Unstoppable Stupidity Syndrome, uncontrollable muscle spasms, the tendency to fall deeply in love with anything you see (also known as Cupid Disorder), amnesia, random spurts of eternal laughter, mutating into a green-white-and-purple striped monkey-horse, sometimes tentacle growth. You know, the usual."

"Well, we here at A. T. Studios take risks, especially the randomly dangerous ones, and mainly because it's fun and amusing."

"Well, we'll have to try it next time; the cameraman is giving me the sign. We have to go, but we'll be back next week!"

"Remember kids: Suicide is bad for you."

"G'bye!"

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This has been ANTI-VAMPOLOGY: A Guide

_**to**__** Hating Twilight with Beautyfrompain and Kaitlynne! For more information, please contact the Television and Other Entertainment Society, otherwise known as TVOES. Or, reach us at anti-vampology-a-guide-to-hating**__**-twilight-dot-com!**_

_******_**theme music****

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**(a): Also known as our torture chambers. We ain't taking audience bull shit anymore. **

**(b): Yeah, we've totally forgone the use of the precious fourth wall. **

**(c): No, really! It was one of the awesome bits about Twilight that Meyer edited out. During the third book, during Jasper's war tale, he reveals that he was actually born into a family of half-human half-shark hybrids! One half of the family used their sharky powers for evil (as in, they terrorized the city and ate half the population), and the other half of the shark hybrids ripped apart all the bad guys, indirectly ridding the city of human evil. The good hybrids fought against their evil family members in an epic battle, and in the end they all ended up ripping each other apart. Jasper barely escaped, and he was bleeding and shit when he was found by those three vampire chicks (y'know, the ones who turned him).**

**Unfortunately, Meyer thought this part in Jasper's story was a bit too epic, and edited out all the interesting bits. She instead rewrote it to make it about newborn vampires, so it actually sort of fit in with the plot. I'm personally all for the shark bit, but The People were sadly overruled in the debate. **

**(d): No, there were literally blank pages with months of the year on them. I think it was supposed to represent the months Bella shut herself off or something, but whatever.**

**(e): "Of course, no one could misinterpret this scene to mean that it's okay to drown yourself by diving from a cliff in the middle of a raging storm," Stephanie Meyer reasons with herself as she types up the sequel to her New York Bestselling novel, Twilight. "With this talent, everything will be fine. Nothing could go wrong."**

**[Somewhere in eastern Miami, a tween Twihard jumps of the cliff in the middle of a tornado. **

"**I LOVE YOU EDWARD!"] **

**(f): Rosalie is a certified baby lover. Apparently, she's always wanted a kid. I think she would give up immortality to have a baby boy, and puts aside her usual resentment of Bella to help in the pregnancy.**


	2. How To Drive a Vampire Insane

***theme music***

_**Live from A. T. Studios …**_

"Good morning, Fan Fiction!" Pain greeted their audience, "And welcome to our humble corner of the Twilight 'Verse!"

"Since we didn't get a chance last time, today we're going to take a trip into Meyer's mind," Kaitlynne said. "Of course, this is dangerous, and there are lots of possible side effects. These include, but are not limited to:

Itching in unusual places

Unstoppable Stupidity Syndrome

uncontrollable muscle spasms

whooping cough

tendency to fall deeply in love with anything you see (also known as Cupid Disorder)

amnesia

Rock Star Fever

random spurts of eternal laughter

mutating into a green-white-and-purple striped monkey-horse

mutating into a purple monkey with no singing talent

sometimes tentacle growth, and

not making it back alive. Y'know, the usual."

"Damn, sounds just fine to me," Pain decided. "Transport away, Kate!"

"If you insist…"

In a flash of green light, the Pain and Kaitlynne were gone.

* * *

To them, it seemed as if they were falling down a black abyss, mysterious and unending. Kaitlynne flipped on her Nintendo DSiand started playing on some high-violence torture-based game or another. Pain threw back her head and started to chuckle, low and creepy and unusual. Kaitlynne looked up from her game with semi-concern. Had the side effects already started? Or was that just Pain's own random creepiness? Deciding that it was most likely the latter, Kaitlynne returned back to what she had been doing.

Finally, after what had seemed like an eternity and a day of falling, the two hosts of ANTI-VAMPOLOGY were able to see a bright orb, getting brighter with each second. This signaled the end to the passage. Suddenly falling even faster than before, gravity began to take over, and the two fell through the orb of bright light and back into a dark grey, slamming into a hard ground surface with enough force to crush granite. Kaitlynne picked herself off of the ground, finding her game system beneath her, crushed into a fine blue powder. Kicking away the remains, she turned on her pocket flashlight and left Pain, disoriented from the fall, to get up on her own.

"Ow," Pain muttered, wincing. After brushing herself off, she followed Kaitlynne, or rather the strong beam of light coming from the flashlight she was holding.

Looking around revealed them to be in a strange, spacious room. It had curved, dull-gray walls, and seemed to go on forever. As they walked on, there were doorways labeled in an incomprehensible language on each side of what seemed to be a hallway of some sort, though the walls of this "hallway" expanded and contracted regularly. They stopped at one door and tried it. It was unlocked. Peeking into the room, all that could be seen was a dark room. Kaitlynne shone her flashlight around, revealing broken gadgets, toys, and the occasionally umbrella or steering wheel strewn around. Above the doorway was the label "Forgotten Items," in English. Another room seemed to lead to a lush forest. Another look at the label above the door revealed it to read, "Happy Place".

"I think we're here," Kaitlynne muttered, peeking into a room where most of the Twilight characters were huddled into a corner, either twitching, in a fetal position, muttering questionable things, singing the Barney theme song in a very disturbed voice, or all four. No one noticed her but Edward, who immediately started screaming about bloody mercy, and began to twitch. No one else bothered to pay attention to his antics, and Kaitlynne closed the door.

Pain ran down the hallway, and stopped about twenty doors down. This door was already opened a crack, and creaked as it was slowly pushed open. Kaitlynne followed and shone her flashlight into the room, stepping forward when it revealed only darkness. Farther into the room, used notebooks, typed-on papers and ripped-out portions of books were strew on the floor, used pens, cleaned-out White Out bottles, empty coffee cups and broken ink cartridges even farther down. At the very back of the room, in a dark, cobwebbed corner was a small man who looked over a thousand years old. His skin was pale and grey, hair white and scraggly, and he was wearing a faded blue outfit and a faded blue visor with an 'I' on it. He was sprawled out on the floor with an old-fashioned typewriter nearby, surrounded by more litter. Under closer inspection, one of the papers strewn around was labeled "Midnight Sun", and the old man appeared to be dead. The smell he gave off certainly signaled suck. At the very least, he was in a deep sleep. Pain prodded the man with a nearby pointer. Suddenly, it twitched and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "sparkly", and Kaitlynne and Pain jumped back.

"If this is Meyer's mind," Pain thought out loud, "And that forest was her happy place, and that room with the people cowering in the corner is where she kept the Cullens, then this has to be her imagination. I'm guessing that it was so previously under-worked that it's now overworked."

Kaitlynne looked to Pain in horror. "Oh my blue ribbons," she whispered, fear in her voice. "You're actually starting to sound ... rational!"

"I have my moments."

Pain's co-host looked panicked. "Oh my TARDIS… oh my TARDIS … uh, what's five times oatmeal?

"The square of llama divided by the curd of a cricket's milk," Pain answered almost immediately.

"Thank tasers, you sound fine." Kaitlynne looked around the room in a shifty-eyed manner, suddenly paranoid. "Look at what this place is doing to us! We have to leave, right now."

Kaitlynne ran out the room, dragging her co-host behind her, back up the hall the way she _thought _they had gone. But the passage didn't look the same, and after passing by one door, a large creature threw itself against the wall, trying to break free. The two kept running, and they heard the bloodthirsty beast roar angrily in the distance. Pain looked back behind her and was Kaitlynne distracted by her own thoughts when they fell through a Mysteriously Appearing Hole℠, which luckily led back to A. T. Studios.

* * *

The crowd did a simultaneous "Aaah" as the co-hosts fell through the ceiling and landed face-flat on the ground.

"Ouch," Pain muttered as she picked herself off the ground for the second time. She turned to the ground, remembered the dark and questionable place that was Meyer's mind, and shuddered.

Kaitlynne turned to the crowd. "We were the first to succeed in transporting to Meyer's mind and making it back alive. Today, we have one big step for Kaitlynne and Pain, but an even bigger step for Twilight-haters everywhere!"

The crowd cheered.

Audience Member #877635 stood up. "What was it like in there?"

"It was somewhat frightening, yet very interesting. Definitely not a place I would choose for vacation. Remember, kids," Pain said, "to never try to transport to Meyer's mind alone. Ever."

"Well, we still have a lot of airtime left," Kaitlynne said.

Pain thought. "Let's interview the Volturi, shall we?"

Kaitlynne sat down, flicked her wrist and muttered something under her breath. In the next second, the Volturi (well, Aro, Marcus, Alex, Jane, Felix, and Demetri) appeared onstage in a flash of green light.

Felix looked around. "Uh, where the fuck are we? I hate being teleported so suddenly, and on such short notice."

Marcus looked to Kaitlynne and Pain. "I sense that those two girls are in a friendship-based relationship, caused by that girl's indirect need of that other girl, and that girl's state of being stuck with the other."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Ugh, shut up, Marcus. The lot of you are nimrods. We've obviously been transported out of Meyer's mind; thank a god I don't believe in."

Pain let out an uncharacteristic squeal. "EEEEEEEEE! OMTOMTOMTIT'S JANE! OhmyTARDIS, Jane, it is _such _an honor to meet you …"

Kaitlynne turned to the Volturi apologetically. "Jane's here favorite Twilight character."

Aro looked deeply offended. "But what about _me?_" He whined.

Kaitlynne shook her head. "Sorry, dude, but you just don't cut it. _You _can't torture a being with the force of your stare."

"Talk about 'if looks could kill'…" Audience Member #6583027 murmured.

Jane grimaced as she was hit with the force of Pain's enthusiastic glomp. "Who is this _child_?" she hissed.

Demetri frowned. "And where is this dreaded hellhole we have been placed in?"

Audience Member #39 had a dark look on her face. "You really have no fucking idea …"

Kaitlynne grinned. "You're on ANTI-VAMPOLOGY: A Guide to Hating Twilight! I'm Kaitlynne, and that half-crazy person glomping on Jane is called Pain. This is our second parody talk show together."

Aro frowned. "What do you _do _on this … show?"

Pain finally released Jane (who promptly brushed herself off and glared at Pain). "Ah, we interview and torture our victims, make them tell us their greatest fears and then bring them out to scare the shit out of them, speak in British accents, sell Edward's dignity to horny fangirls/guys, and occasionally Twilight characters stark raving mad. We usually do this for amusement, use of our abundant free time, and the sake of The Lulz."

Jane frowned in confusion. "It's not working … my stare isn't working …" she glared at Pain harder, scrunching her eyes up tight.

Pain giggled. "Hey, that tickles!"

After a few more seconds, Jane grew frustrated. "Agh! What's happening? Oh my gosh my powers aren't working!" She grew frantic. "You should be writhing on the floor in agony and pain right now! Why isn't it working? OMG am I growing weak?"

She turned her glare to Audience Member #14572, who fell out his seat and began to scream and wriggle on the floor with pure, unadulterated pain.

This reaction made Jane more frantic. "No, I can still do it … You, human," she addressed Pain. "Do you shield against me? How do you resist my stare?"

Pain snorted. "No, I don't have a fucking shield. In case you weren't paying attention, "pain" is literally my _nickname_. Do you really think your little mind torture is going to work of the ultimate Master of pain? And who's to say I'm human, anyway?"

Jane became quiet, considering this. After a block of silence that was slightly uncomfortable, Kaitlynne cleared her throat.

"Alright then," she said, gesturing to seats on one side of the room, "Just have a seat over there."

Felix frowned. "Why should we? You have no control over us, mortal." The vampires had given up on assuming the girls were human.

Pain rolled her eyes. "Because if you _don't _comply with everything we tell you to, I'll taser your sorry sparkly vampire ass into oblivion. Capice?

Aro sighed. "And I thought being the vampire government meant something around here …"

After the Volturi had properly settled, Kaitlynne began. "Okay! Let's ask a few questions, shall we? This is the lightning round. We ask questions, you answer them as quickly as possible, and you only have five seconds to do it. No ahs, uhs, ohs, ums, hmmms, hemming, hawing, or humming, or long pauses. Oh, and you have to answer the question in under three seconds. Since we're interviewing six of you at once, we'll give you three strikes. If you do not answer our questions quickly or correctly, we will throw you into a pit of piranhas, killer sharks, crocodiles, and millions of crazed Dakota Fanning fangirls. It will be painful. Go!

"So … you guys run everything in the vampire world, kickin' disobedient sparkle ass and taking names. But isn't it a bit of hard work? I mean, there must be a whole bunch of Victoria's out there."

"Well, it's not always easy," Alex admitted. "Not every vampire is a pansy Cullen, if you know what I mean."

Pain chuckled. "Why yes, yes we do. Do you know who Stephanie Meyer is?"

Demetri frowned. "Stella's the mayor of where, again?"

"Stephanie Meyer is the writer of the notorious Twilight novels." Pain said. "Also, she is your uncreative maker. There are a few cool characters, and hell, some even have a little substance."

Marcus shook his head. "I have no idea what you are talking about. Next question."

"Do you like muffins?"

"Child, we have not eaten proper food for hundreds, if not _thousands _of years," Aro told her. "How the bloody hell are we even supposed to remember what muffins taste like?"

Kaitlynne frowned. "Well, do you like scones? Or crumpets?"

"No …"

Pain got impatient. "Are you partial to any sort of delicious pastry in particular?"

Felix flexed. "If pain can be considered a delicious pastry, then yes, I am very partial to it."

Pain rolled her eyes. "Your tough act isn't fooling anyone, Felix."

"It is not an act, child."

"And stop calling me a child! "

"Are you not under the legal age of eighteen?"

"That's not something I'd like to officially disclose to our readers. Okay, tough guy, answer me this: If a pack of bloodthirsty vampire-shark-bat-hyena-seal hybrids that were also fifty thousand times bigger than the average pigmy hippo and were wearing frilly blue corsets were chasing you through a rainforest in southern Africa, and you were wearing nothing put a roll of bubble wrap and an aluminum foil hat," Here Jane instinctively covered her private bits, "and you had nothing to defend yourself but a defaced Brad Pitt action figure, a plastic Halloween pumpkin, a single wooden clog, a broken shard of a Japanese Samurai sword, and a red rubber band, how would your 113-year-old and mentally unstable granny look doing the cha-cha slide on skates, IF it was December 14th?"

"Why am I wearing nothing but bubble wrap, again?" Aro asked.

"And why would I ever be caught with a Brad Pitt action figure, even if it is defaced and mutilated?" Demetri asked, horrified. "I have dignity!"

Marcus looked confused. "Why am I wearing an _aluminum hat_?"

Felix grinned. "Ah yes … coincidentally, I totally outlived my feeble old granny centuries ago. 'Cause I'm a _vampire_."

"Why are the pigmy hippos wearing frilly blue corsets in the first place?" Jane inquired, after rolling her eyes at Felix's remark.

Alex frowned. "There is no correct way to answer that question, bitch."

"Unfortunately, everyone's wrong," Pain said. "There is no right way to answer that question, because no one is brave enough to look in on your 113-year-old granny when she _is _by herself and doing the cha-cha slides. Therefore, no one knows, and no one will ever know. It's one of those mysterious conundrums that will never be answered … but I digress."

Kaitlynne snapped, and a lever came up from the ground. She pulled it, and the group (that is, Aro, Marcus, Demetri, Felix, and Jane) fell into the pit of their punishments. Biting and crunching echoed from the hole deep in the ground, and Jae shrieked.

"SORRY JANE," Pain yelled into the pit apologetically, and the trapdoor closed.

"Is every single place underneath us booby-trapped?" Audience Member #124 muttered, getting distressed and paranoid. "Are any of us safe anymore?"

Only Alex remained.

"So … what do we do now?" Pain asked.

"Hmmm …" Kaitlynne thought, twirling a lock of red hair around her index finger.

"I'm still here," Alex reminded them, tentatively.

Pain and Kaitlynne looked to him, moderately surprised. "You are?" Pain asked, confused.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I don't know. How would I know why I'm here? Didn't I answer correctly?"

"Uh, no, I don't think so."

"But I _just said _that there's no correct way to answer the question," Alex said, frowning.

"Oh, yeah, but you called me a bitch in the process, mah little git, you. Sayonara!" she said in farewell, as she reached across Kaitlynne and pulled the lever again. Alex's screams could be heard throughout the studio as they echoed from the bowels of the horrendous pits of horror.

"So … what _do_ we do?"

"Cut to a commercial break, of course!"

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"…:

"Right!" Pain clapped her hands and broke the silence. "Don't tell _SUPAH GROW _I said this, but I personally wouldn't buy _anything _from them. Just a tip.

Just then, a platform rose from beneath the set, bearing chunks of what seemed to be white rock and a lot of bloody dust. Everyone stared blankly at it for a moment.

"Um … are those the remains of the Volturi?" Kaitlynne murmured to Pain.

"I … think so …Quick! Grab the remains and set them aflame before they reattach and-"

But the pieces had already started to reassemble, like a pile of magnets linking together and fusing into an entirely different object. In mere seconds, the six Volturi members were unfortunately back to shape.

Once Demetri was whole again, he took one look at Kaitlynne and Pain and launched himself at them. Arms flailing, he attacked the co-hosts. Before the wimp could even do some much as make a scratch, Pain tasered him, and he went down like a sparkly rock.

"AAAAAGH! WHY? WHY AM I CURSED? WHY MUST I BE TORTURED SO? _WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO DESERVE THIS SHIT?_"

Pain kicked Demetri in the ribs, and he screamed. Kaitlynne pulled Pain back and cleared her throat.

"Well, it looks like we've broken _someone _today." she declared.

Kaitlynne caught the signal the cameraman was giving her out of the corner of her eye.

"Well, looks like our time here is up. Next time, we will be bringing Edward and Bella back to the show!"

"Damn it, the Crazy Couple again. This should be interesting!"

"Until next time!"

* * *

_**A/N: Voila! This is my second time "interviewing" Bella and Edward, so I'll take any help anyone's willing to give. What did you think? If you have any suggestions, praise, or constructive criticism, feel free to give it. Until the week after next!**_


End file.
